Distant Abandonment
by plecostomus-of-justice
Summary: An alternative ending for the episode Distant Origin 3x18
1. Chapter 1

_A changed ending to the episode Distant Origins (3x18)_

_No, I don't own ST Voyager – silly question!_

_Part I - Flower_

_Chakotay_

I was afraid when I first awoke on that table, on that very alien starship. I can't deny that. But my fears had been abated long since, after discovering how much Gagen and myself had in common. We were both scientists, risking much on our quests for discovery. For him, he had taken a monumental leap in trusting me, his "sample" enough to release me. He was a surprisingly personable individual, we shared many musical and cultural interests, it was surprising how much we shared, how similar the cultural data from Voyager and the cultural archive of the Voth were. Together, as we worked on refining his data, demonstrating his hypothesis, proving the "Distant Origin," we shared our cultures with each other as long lost evolutionary cousins. I was no longer afraid, I was challenged, intellectually excited and stimulated. I was already believing that it would all be alright, that the charges facing Gagen would be struck, that I would soon be reunited with Voyager and that we would continue our journey, with an important missing piece of Earth history carried with us.

The fear only returned when we were standing, shoulder to shoulder, Gagen and I, in the Minister's Chambers. I had just assumed it would be alright. As I watched the Minister applying pressure to him, as I watched him continually resist, I knew it would not be. When they brought his assistant in, the young scientist who had originally shot me, back on Voyager, I got some understanding. Back when I had been a Maquis, the Cardassians would occasionally broadcast footage of Maquis prisoners, denying the validity of the cause, swearing their loyalty to the Cardassian Empire. The words were the same as Veer, the assistant. I could hear them in my mind as Veer was speaking,

"Upon reflection and a careful examination of the evidence, I believe the conclusions to be flawed. I was carried away with enthusiasm and failed to examine the evidence properly. This was a failing on my part, one I shall carry with me."

What always haunted me the most about these prisoners was their eyes. That deadness, like a film across them, as though all emotion and passion had been excised. And of course, it had. Gagen asked Veer

"What did they do to you? Did they threaten you, your family? Veer?"

I knew what they had done, and knew that Veer would never tell. There are some tortures worse than death, some things which cost more than life. He would have to live with that, come to terms with that himself or fail to. As I watched him leave, I knew, not only was his life doomed, but that Gagen and I were playing a much more serious game than I had ever thought. Gagen had clearly realised this as well.

Throughout my time in the Maquis, I learnt some truths about people. Some people think they will stand up to any fate to defend their beliefs. When the Federation signed away our homelands, some people protested with words, but still bundled up their belongings and left their worlds like the sheep they were. Others showed their true commitment by taking on a far superior force, standing alone. Some people will face the darkness with the truth they believe to be true, others will cower in the face of the night, and will then allow themselves to be destroyed. I had truly taken Gagen as the latter. I thought that, as much as he professed his beliefs, that when he was faced with the choice between his life and his science, he would choose the comfortable option, deny what he knew to be true. I was wrong. But I never expected it to lead to any of this.

I knew the Saurians had Voyager in custody. Gagen had told me before he surrendered himself to the authorities, that he was doing so to protect Voyager. But I could have never imagined what would occur.

In the courtroom I had heard it. I was still fighting for an idea, I had no idea what was really at stake.

"I see something very different, Minister. An ancient race of Saurians, probably the first intelligent life on Earth, surrounded by some of the most terrifying creatures that ever lived, and yet they thrived, developed language and culture and technology. And when the planet was threatened with disaster, they boldly launched themselves into space, crossed what must have seemed like unimaginable distances, facing the unknown every day. But somehow they stayed together, kept going, with the same courage that had served them before, until they reached this quadrant, where they laid the foundation of what has become the great Voth culture. Deny that past and you deny the struggle and achievements of your ancestors. Deny your origins on Earth, and you deny your true heritage." I had said. I was so stupid, not to realise what was really happening here. She, the Minister, ignored me, focussing on Gagen and asking

"Do you retract your claims?" Her voice was icy

"No. I stand by them" Gagen replied, his voice steady. I could see how the blood had drained from his lips, I could see that he knew what was coming.

"Very well. It is my judgement that you will suffer the consequences of your obstinacy. Gagen, you are guilty of Heresy against Doctrine, and will be placed on a detention colony. For as long as you breathe you will never teach or engage in research. Your life as a scientist has ended."

He turned pale and looked shocked. However, steeling himself in a proud moment, he was able to hold himself together. He inclined his head gracefully and responded

"As you wish, Minister."

It was over. My heart ached for him. We could fly off into the stars, leaving him behind to face the consequences of his ideas. At least, that was what I thought. The next words of the Minister would dispel that illusion faster than a wind blows the autumn leaves off the Beech trees .

"Chakotay, of the Voyager Starship. You, your Captain and her crew will join Professor Gagen"

I felt my mouth dry up and a loud rushing sound filled my hearing. I could barely hear Gagen's protests, they seemed to be coming from a long, long way away.

"Why?" Shouted Gagen "You have nothing to gain by imprisoning them. Let them go!"

I regained focus as the Minister began to speak once more

"You will spend the rest of your lives in a detention colony. Your ship will be destroyed."

Again, Gagen interrupted, there was a horror evident in his voice that had not been there before

"Minister!" he pleaded, unable to put his emotions into any more words than this. It suddenly randomly occurred to me that a man with such intellectual prowess must find it deeply distressing to be left speechless.

"You will surrender your vessel." She continued, in the iron voice of one who expects to be obeyed "You will advise your crew of this judgement."

"Minister, stop this please! I retract my claims, I was wrong. I will refute my work publicly. But stop this, you must stop this." Gagen sounded desperate and I understood. He was not ready to sacrifice 100 lives, he could sacrifice his own life with impunity, but the lives of others, no. Like so many others, he could not, and I could understand why.

"Professor" Odala, the Minister, began. Her voice was tender, as though she was addressing a recalcitrant child. "You must realise, the time for that has passed. Your heresy must be wiped out before other races can learn of it. If we were to let the Voyager go, how long would it be before they sold the information to one of our enemies? Before we are driven out of the space which is our birthright? No, you must be an example to all those who would perpetuate heresy."

Gagen hung his head. He had been outmanoeuvred and he knew it. He looked up briefly as I stepped forward, preparing to address the Minister, I met his eye and saw the shame, the horror and the anguish reflected deep within them.

I cleared my throat, the Minister looked up. I had one command responsibility I must complete in this situation, I had to get Kathryn in front of this female, it was the only thing I could conceivably do.

"Minister. I understand your judgement, I understand we have very little choice. But I cannot inform the crew of your judgement. It is inappropriate for you to sentence the crew through me, and not through the Captain, who is after all, the one responsible for the ship and crew."

The minister was silent. Clearly she wanted the situation resolved as soon as possible. She did not want to even address us any more. But on the other hand, she was a figure of authority. She knew how the chain of command worked, and whilst Starfleet was no matriarchy and, unlike herself, Kathryn had not been born into the role of leader, she appreciated the importance of dealing with the leader.

"Very well." She pressed a button on her throne, and several guards entered. "Fetch the Voyager captain, bring her to me. Chakotay of the Voyager, please assemble your crew in one of your cargo facilities. Please arrange facilities for a transmission. Ma'atan will take you to the ship."

The professor looked completely broken now, standing in a corner, forgotten like a broken toy. His eyes were fixed on the ground. I took one last glance at him as Ma'atan pushed me out of the room. On the way to Voyager, my feet felt like lead. I could hardly breathe, it was the hardest walk I had ever taken, even harder than when I had walked up to my father, to tell him that I could not just leave the planet of our ancestors. Now, I may not see that planet again, the planet I had fought for, dreamt of, survived for. On the way to Voyager, I passed Kathryn, walking in the opposite direction, assorted by her own phalanx of guards. Even as a prisoner, though, her natural authority shone through.

"Stop" she commanded, and the guards, so instinctively used to obeying females, stopped.

"Chakotay, what is this all about?" Her voice was slightly softer, but not much. She was most definitely wearing the aura of command now.

I paused, how could I tell her? But I had to, I had a responsibility. I paused for a moment, then licked my lips

"We, along with Professor Gagen, have been on trial. And now the verdict has been delivered. The Minister wishes to report it to you, whilst I gather the crew on Voyager, for her verdict to be delivered to them." That was all I could say, I was gently nudged by Ma'atan, and she was also pushed by her own guards, forward, into the abyss.

When I returned to Voyager, I could feel the changed atmosphere. There was a powerlessness that was never usually felt in the vessel. I walked slowly up to the Bridge, taking the turbolift which was still provided with minimal power. On the Bridge, the Command staff were still at their positions, though the panels were all black as night and nothing could be done that would bring them back to life. I brushed a hand on the Captain's chair, took a deep breath.

"Computer, open a channel to the whole ship." I was worried it would not be possible, but the computer chirped as the channel opened.

"Attention crew members" I began. "I have been asked to gather you all in Cargo Bay 2 to await a transmission from Captain Janeway, who is on-board the Voth ship. Please make your way to Cargo Bay 2 in an orderly manner." I paused, it was done.

"Close channel" I commanded the computer, then looked around the Bridge. Tuvok, Paris and Kim looked back at me.

"You three. I need you to try and find some way, any way of transmitting a signal outside the city ship or breaking Voyager out of here. I estimate you have approximately 15 minutes. Do your best, no-one will blame you if it cannot be done."

I began to walk to the Cargo deck. I had no illusions about how successful this last ditch attempt would be, and it was important for me to be there at the end. As I walked, I tried to drink in every last detail of Voyager, to remember who she was and what she looked like. I brushed my hands along her cool walls, imprinting the feeling into my consciousness.

When they came for me again, I was not surprised and felt no fear. Haluk, the Voth guard had already threatened me, no worse than any threats I had faced before. I was sure it was only a matter of time before someone more senior called for me. And here they were.

_Janeway_

"Who will I be speaking to?" I asked the morose Voth guard who was escorting to me. The main tactic of command was always to gain a little more information, in every situation. It is true, knowledge is power.

"You will be placed in front of Minister Odala." Responded the guard curtly, and for the rest of the short journey, silence prevailed.

I stood in front of Minister Odala, her authority radiated across the room. I was amazed again by just how similar the Voth were to the Hadrosaur model we had created on Holodeck Two. I paused, silent. I sensed it was better for me to take my lead from her, rather than to force the issue.

"Sal. Open a communications link with the Voyager. This conversation should be heard by your crew, Captain."

I felt deeply uneasy, but maintained my Captain's inscrutability, and did not let my unease show.

"Captain Janeway, your crew member, Chakotay, has been found guilty of conspiracy to spread Heresy against Doctrine. Your ship, your crew, your very existence, perpetuates a heresy which is a poison to our society. You have created obscene images to disseminate this heresy, you mistakenly compare ourselves to you. Chakotay knowingly assisted a fugitive of the Voth and interceded at his trial to defend the indefensible.

I have already passed sentence on your crew and ship. However, before I have that sentence enacted, I believe it is a courtesy to formally serve it upon you, as representative of your crew and ship. This is why you are here." The Minister pronounced these words in an imperious manner. She knew her authority and wore it like a robe. But I could not allow this to stand.

"Your citizen, Gagen, kidnapped my crew member and dragged us into this whole situation. Now you will punish us for our species' origins? We will not be sacrificed for the continuation of your lies." I was angry, I spoke with anger. I would like to think that I achieved some kind of dignity in my anger, but I do not believe so, in hindsight.

"You do not understand" replied Odala, in the same imperious tone of voice. "You have no choice. You are here as a courtesy, I could have simply had you drugged and taken away."

I interrupted again, with increasing desperation

"You may lock us up, but you cannot bury the truth. Eventually the theory will come back to haunt you, and you will realise that the evidence is overwhelming. If you lock us up, you will define your race as backward. For all your technological advancements, you are afraid of the truth. You cannot use my crew as a dam to hold back scientific discovery."

"Yes, Captain, I can"

And with that, she gestured to the guards. Two reached out and grabbed me, pinning me still.

"Captain Janeway" that voice, that hateful voice "It is my judgement that you and your crew have been guilty of conspiracy to commit heresy of Doctrine. I have already spoken to Chakotay, and now I speak the same to you. You and your crew will be taken from your ship to a detention colony, where you will spend the rest of your lives. Your ship will be destroyed, this disgusting heresy will be promulgated no more."

I opened my mouth to retort again. I had to, my crew were watching. Before I could find the words, I felt a burning sensation in my shoulder, then a fierce warmth which spread out from the wound. They had shot me. I went dizzy, my vision blurred and circles sparkled in front of my eyes. I fought to resist, began a new sentence, but I was able to say no more that "you" before my legs gave way and I collapsed onto the floor. The last thing I saw before falling into the blood red pit of unconsciousness which was expanding below me, was my crew, in the cargo bay, collapsing themselves. I heard a scream, from them or from me, I do not know, then I fell into the wheel. Everything was red, black and white, flashing, twisting, shrieking. I could not control myself, I felt extremely nauseous, frightened and disorientated, then mercifully, the blackness took me, and I went under.

_Gagen_

I was with them when they awoke. We were all in the transit prison on the lower flank of the CityShip, where they take prisoners before dispersing them to the colonies. I had gone voluntarily, I had not been drugged, aside from the sedatives they inject, to keep their prisoners nice and compliant during the processing procedure. The humans had all been drugged unconscious. It was inevitable I suppose, after they saw the announcement made, the human crew attempted to escape. From what I hear, they overwhelmed many guards, caused many casualties before being overwhelmed by anaesthetic gas. I suppose the futility of the situation had not overwhelmed them yet. I was envious of them for that, I wish I could still fight, but I just could not find it within myself. Instead, I was resigned to my fate. Oh, how I envied their fight!

There were nine bunks in this cell. I found it curious that the guards had kept the senior staff together. There was the woman, the leader, the one Chakotay called Janeway, Chakotay himself, the one with different facial features who had first detected Veer and I on the Voyager, another man who appeared to be human, two who were nearly human except with odd ear shapes and one who was obviously non-human. He had been the cook on the ship, I remembered him. Finally, another woman with very obvious cranial ridges, who snorted in her sleep as though she was fighting unconsciousness itself.

The first to awake was the dark skinned humanoid with the pointed ears. It was eerie. I had heard talk that these drugs were very hard on the system, I was expecting them to experience discomfort at the very least upon wakening. Instead, he opened his eyes, looked round quickly as though assessing the situation, then sat bolt upright on his bunk, looking directly at me, sitting on the floor across from the bunks. Upon seeing me, he clearly identified me as the enemy, and sprung up, putting himself between me and his unconscious crew. I spoke

"Be calm" I was trying to be as pacifying as I could "Be calm, I am not the enemy. I am the scientist Gagen who was on your ship in the beginning of all this."

The dark man paused, looking perplexed. I began to realise that for all his poise, the drugs had affected him to some extent, confusion blossomed in his eyes.

"How can I understand you?" He asked

I held up my wrists. One the left was the damning blue band, denoting a prisoner sentenced for heresy. On the other was a shining metal band, the tracker/translator/monitoring band. I pointed to it

"this contains a translation matrix. You are wearing one too."

He looked down. Then, seeming to collect himself, hearing the others groan slightly as consciousness returned to them, he began checking on them. I had been keeping an eye myself, making sure they were still breathing, but, not being an expert on human biology, I was glad to hand the responsibility to someone else. Instead, I hung back, waiting, not wanting to anger them in their confused, semi-awake state.

_B'Elanna_

I groaned, feeling my stomach roil. Something was wrong, but what. The air smelt different, something had happened. What did I remember? I replayed the memory in my head; beamed aboard the city ship, Voyager boarded, herded into Cargo Bay Two, Captain Janeway on the comm, then gas. Fighting, screaming, battle cries, more gas, sickening, falling, collapsing, spinning out of control into the void. Being taken!

I jerked upright, regretting that I had never learnt the Klingon techniques for controlling bodily functions as my stomach heaved and I retched. I looked around, seeing a prison cell, crudely made bunk beds. And one of Them, sitting, watching me.

"What do you think you're looking at?" I lunged at him.

He moved quickly, scampering out of my way in a very undignified way. I was about to go after him when I heard the shout

"Lieutenant" Tuvok barked at me "Sit Down!"

I glared at the lizard like Voth again before sitting down. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a just-conscious Janeway nod slightly at Tuvok, before easing herself up off her bunk and moving over to the Voth. I caught only snatches of their conversation

"Where are we?"

"This is probably the main transit prison for this city-ship. From here, we'll be dispersed to colonies."

Janeway's voice dropped slightly and she asked something I could not quite hear. I could guess at the question, though, from the response

"Get out!" laughed Gagen "We could, but for one important difficulty. This whole area is not connected to the main body of the ship, not any way you could walk through, anyway. There is a vacuum outside. You may get out of this room, but if you tried to get out of this prison, you would suffocate"

Janeway looked frustrated at this

"But what about emergency gear?"

Gagen shrugged, "maybe"

She turned to me, conscious that I had been listening.

"B'Elanna, start looking for anything useful"

I began at the door. The action distracted me from what was happening, and I was calmer.

The door was a simple one. Very low tech, I was surprised. Just a solid door, made out of some sort of metal, with a bolt on the other side. We could probably force it somehow. I looked around, solving the problem in my head. The bunks! Of course, the metal frame bunks were probably collapsible, we could use a pole to force the door.

I looked around the cell, Neelix and Kes were still out, but Paris was awake and upright.

"Tom" I called to him, and he jumped up. I could see in his eyes that he was not dealing with this well, he had an aversion to being imprisoned since New Zealand. Maybe the action would help him, as some small part of my brain told me it was doing for myself.

"We need to take a bunk apart, pry open the door."

Tom looked at me for a moment, then came over. Together we began looking at the bunk, trying to work out how we could separate it. I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated, I tried every technique to calm myself, the breathing, focussing, everything. It was not working. So I stood up and kicked that damn bunk as hard as I could. Tom joined in. We kicked, harder and harder, jumping up and down on the metal. We became more frenzied as we felt it bend. Finally, a snap. A piece about a metre long had been freed. I jumped some more, flattening the end of the metal into a point, before carrying it to the door.

Together, Tom and I shoved the metal into the gap, feeling it slip over and over again. Finally, we got a small purchase and began to push. The metal pole bent like carbon as we pushed it. We were making no progress on the door, but we had to keep trying. I let loose a torrent of Klingon swearing at it, we were both sweating. It was almost a relief not to be in uniform, the loose tunic and pants we were wearing absorbed the sweat and kept us cool much more effectively than those heavy Starfleet uniforms.

Tom stopped suddenly,

"It's getting warmer" he said, gesturing to the pole.

I ignored him at first, then shrieked as the pole burnt my hands. I scooted back away from the door as it came crashing open and a gang of guards entered the cell.

"Come with us" they ordered

I swore at them in Klingon. Clearly somehow it translated, as one picked me up and carried me out, leaving the others to deal with the rest of the crew. I kicked him, screamed, hit him, it did no good. He carried me into the darkened corridor.

_Harry Kim_

Another prison, that was where we were. And whilst it seemed peaceful, I could not escape the fear I felt. I was fighting to control the memories of Akrotiri, the Chute, and a quick glance at Tom told me he was feeling the same way. I could not think about it for too long, however, which was a blessing. The guards were grabbing B'Elanna, picking her up as though she were nothing, a mere sack. They were ordering us to follow. I was nearest the door, well, excluding the Saurian and B'Elanna. So I glanced at the Captain before making my move. I caught her eye as she nodded, she looked frightened. I had never seen that look in her eye before, and as I followed the guard and B'Elanna, I felt the fear begin to infect me further.

We walked together down a long, dark passage. I suppose the Voth had better night vision than us, as they could see the way whilst we were blinded. At the end of the passage was some kind of airlock. I was first, I could see that we were entering some sort of ship. I baulked, tried to turn, to run. I don't know why, I suppose the experiences of Akrotiri had affected me more than I was willing to acknowledge. Then I heard Chakotay's voice, he had been walking alongside the Voth scientist, talking with him.

"Be calm, Harry" he whispered to me. I felt a power in his voice, a soothing yet angry sound.

I took a deep breath and walked forward, into the dark.

I was in a fighting stance as I passed the threshold of the airlock, my mind was now expecting violence, pain, anger. I was immersed in the throes of an intense flashback, Akrotiri had been just like this. Onward into the blackness, then the chute, the pain, the desperation and hopelessness. It took every ounce of control for me not to collapse. But there was no violence, only the blackness and the pinprick glimmers of a few eyes looking at our group with curiosity, not hatred.

Once we had all entered, the lights were flicked on and the room swung from cool darkness to blinding hot white light within a heartbeat. We all groaned, even B'Elanna stirred from where she lay on the ground, her eyelids abused by the sudden influx of light. I could see we were in a metal room, I could feel the slight vibrations in the floor which indicated we were on a ship. I knew we were going to be sent to a colony, I guessed this was the colony ship. But where were the others? Were we really going to be separated and thrown like chaff to the winds?

Clearly we all had the same thought at the same time, as the Captain and Chakotay began exchanging panicked looks. At that moment, however, the airlock opened again and the rest of the crew began filing in, bewildered, angry, crying, all sorts. Samantha Wildman looked awful, cradling her baby close to.

Tuvok, ever the calming influence, began doing a headcount, his professionalism influenced all of us, and we began organising ourselves according to Starfleet training, dividing into sections, competency areas and so on.

We had just started to feel like we were taking control of the situation when the airlocks slammed shut, the vibration increased and we began moving. There was nothing to indicate where we were going or how fast. Like the rest of the Ops staff, I just sat on the floor, bewildered, feeling very lost.

_Tom Paris_

I knew we were going into Transwarp almost as soon as I felt the ship buck and vibrate. With a discretion I had only acquired since joining Voyager, I whispered the information to the Captain. She nodded, concerned but like the rest of us, powerless. I then went on the prowl, looking for any weak point, any advantage. With B'Elanna conscious but still weak and disorientated, I felt I owed it to her. And whilst she may be a fantastic engineer, no-one knows ships quite how I do.

Nah, I was just kidding myself. It's a funny thing about me, I always have to feel in some kind of control. I suppose that is why I like piloting, the control. I spent the whole time on the way to the Starfleet penal colony talking to the pilot, annoying her, maintaining control.

At least I understood prisons though. I knew how they worked, I was not afraid of what we may face, not then anyway. As long as we had Voyager, we had a chance.

Though I had to smile at the Saurians, all lying on the floor, resolutely pretending to be asleep. I suppose we frightened them, I couldn't blame them, though.

_Harry Kim_

In the beginning, Voyager had meant something to me, maybe more than it had ever meant to the others. She was my first ship, my very first posting. She was beautiful, she was mine. Well, at least, partly my responsibility. I had read everything I could about her class, her systems. I loved her from the start.

Of course, she changed everyone after the Caretaker. Everyone loved her after that, they hated her too. So many things about her, how she would test us, how she would save us. Her complexities attracted danger like flies to honey, but saved us again and again.

So, you can understand that it was, for a second, a relief to see her as the large cargo bay door opened and she was revealed in space, hanging against the black cloak of the endless spatial night. Had she come to save us, one more time?

No, we had betrayed her, and the Doctor with her.

The light blossomed inside her, and for a split-second, we had no idea what we were looking at. She bloomed like a flower as the light expanded, then lost cohesion and broke up. Further, smaller explosions blossomed inside her, her nacelles broke free, then blew. Her nose pointed towards the transport ship, almost as though she was saluting us in her death throes, ever the lady. We could all catch sight of the inscription across her

"USS Voyager NCC 74656"

Then that too, expanded into flame, and all that was left was some disparate debris, floating aimlessly in the sky. She was gone.

A little bit of our lives died with her. Though we would not admit it, our chance of reaching home died that day, with her. But part of what defined us as ourselves, out here in the wilderness, was taken with her. It seemed so final, so callous. I struggled to adjust to the fact, somehow just saying

"Voyager is gone"

Did not work, did not fix it in my mind. I started smaller, the bridge was gone, the messhall was gone. The emotion welled up. Finally I remembered, my clarinet was gone. The PADD from my mother was gone. Again, I summoned every shred of self control to maintain my composure, but I felt my eyes moisten. Embarrassed, I looked around defiantly, only to find everyone was in a similar state. Samantha was just cradling her baby, openly sobbing.

Our attention was distracted as we saw a Saurian approach the forcefield, accompanied by two others. He stood, nodded to the others, then ran. We expected him to bounce off the forcefield, but he ran straight through, and hung, outside, vapour boiling off his skin as he asphyxiated. One other Saurian lined up to do the same thing, but a quick-thinking crew member grabbed him and stopped him. I moved over, anxious to hear what was going on

"Why?" Asked the Voyager crew

"This is our last chance. I don't want to go to a detention colony. I am old, I would not survive. This way will not hurt" Replied the Saurian, calmly.

"But, why not try?" Asked the Voyager member again, uncomprehending

"You do not understand, it is cold. It will hurt, it will be hard, there is nothing there, no hope, no value, just work, cold and death. There is no escape, no getting away. Just a very slow death. This is the easy way out, in all senses. Why do you think they allow it?"

Maybe I should have noticed, maybe I should have intervened. But I saw no warning sign. Lieutenant Kasawa was just as upset as all of us, no more so. He was young as well, and had left a wife and new baby on Earth. I had always been aware he had taken it badly, we had spoken a few times. As the crew member released the Saurian, Kasawa moved to stand beside him, and as the Saurian jumped into space, Kasawa followed. We watched in horror as he spun, lifeless, in the vacuum, the three bodies uniting in death, the look of surprise on each one.

This terrible event brought the Captain back to her senses.

_Janeway_

The ship, the crew. All falling apart, all going. All I could see before me was the spinning vortex of black and red. But my command instincts took over, the crew were waiting for me. If I lost it now, they would surely follow Kasawa, into oblivion. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, harder than the Caretaker, harder than anything, and set in motion a chain of events.

Though, I suppose it was really Chakotay who took action first. Through my haze, I heard him shout,

"Everyone! Listen up."

But I could tell by his face he had nothing to say, he had no words. It fell to me, it was my responsibility now

"Stay calm." I began

"I know what has just happened to Voyager is terrible. But we are still alive, most of us. Let's stay calm and wait and see what happens."

A rumble indicated something was about to happen. With a grating noise, the cargo door shut again, sealing out the sights, the death, the debris. With a grumble, the ship sped off again, back into Transwarp.

"We must organise and stay together when we arrive. We must work together if we are to survive. We are still Voyager, whether Voyager is here or not! We must carry on being strong. We must carry on being Voyager!"

Barely ten minutes after I had spoken, the ship juddered to a halt once more and a tingling sensation announced that we were being transported. Another day, another challenge. As the transporter took me, I tried to remain calm. We could survive, we had to.


	2. Chapter 2

_Distant Abandonment Part 2 - _

_Blossom and Dust_

_Samantha Wildman._

As the transporter took me, my first thought was Naomi. She was so young, too young and had faced too many challenges already in her little life. Beamed into the world, born into a war, dying of Haemocythemia, being returned from some alternate Voyager in just the first few hours of life. Stranded on a deserted world and again coming so close to dying. And now, being beamed out again, into a new birth. A prison world without Voyager, with very little hope.

I had never wanted to raise her in space. That was never part of our plan. Greskrendtregk and I were going to take a break from space if I ever got pregnant, transfer to one of the inner colonies, maybe Aashritha. But fate conspired against us like it had from the beginning! Jilhanna, my mother in law, had warned us that we would fight to make our joining work. Seems she was right.

We arrived on the planet, the detention colony where the Voth First Minister had told us we would spend our lives. I looked down, was she still breathing, for a second I could not tell, her usual thermally adjusted babygro had been confiscated, and she had been bundled in blankets instead whilst I was unconscious. But then she wiggled, and I could relax. For now.

Everyone was appearing around me in a square around two hundred metres long. The ground was bare and rocky, the sky heavy with cloud above us. At least the planet appeared to be Class M, there was none of the tell-tale catch in the throat when I breathed in. The air was quite nice, in fact. It had none of the synthetic sharpness of Voyager's recyclables. But still, I would have given almost everything I had to be on Voyager again, breathing in recyclables, going home.

And it was cold. Not "I'm dying" cold, just a chill that went straight for the bones. I held Naomi tighter. Neelix saw the movement and came rushing over, undoing his simple cloak and wrapping it around me. I tried to resist, but in truth, i was so grateful for the extra warmth. Tuvok called for us all to assemble in sections so we could be counted. I hoped no one was missing, even without Voyager, we were better together than separate. I shuffled over to the Biology section, though i think they came towards me faster for I barely moved.

The babe, whether from the cold or from sensing my fear, began to cry. I tried to shush her, bouncing her up and down gently, but she would not be quiet. I tried singing to her, pulling faces, smiling, laughing, but she would not stop the cries. It was as if she knew. Eventually, with everyone else gazing at me, I bent my head over her to keep out the wind and cried with her, silently.

_Tuvok_

I watched them split off into sections, the well-trained crew that they were. I ordered section heads to begin counting, though I was confident that every crew member was accounted for. It is always prudent to be sure of such things.

As they counted off, I nodded to my security team. They were all present and accounted for. I divided them into teams and sent them off scouting. It was cold and twilight was falling, it was essential that shelter was found before night, already I could hear Ensign Wildman's baby crying. I began to walk towards her, to see if she required assistance, when a touch on my shoulder stopped me. The Captain. I glanced up at her, she shook her head. Though I sometimes fail to fully grasp the motives that drive Human behaviour, the Captain and I had known each other for long enough that I understood the gesture and stood still.

A shout from Ensign Damler alerted me to the discovery of several packs of what looked like supplies. I was straight there, assessing the threat of the packages. I believed they were almost certainly harmless so allowed the crew to continue unpacking them. A blanket and a knife for each person, a set of basic farming equipment and ten large cooking pots. The Captain ordered me to gather everything up for now and assign a security detail to carry the packs to a place of shelter. For once, her logic was strong. The risk of giving the crew, in their various stages of emotional shock, weapons, was, if not substantial, definitely present. In addition, we had no idea what, if any, extra equipment may have been issued to other members of the crew. It was certainly necessary to complete an additional inventory once we reached a place of safety.

Almost as soon as the equipment had been collected, a shout rose up from another security detail, the group scouting to the south of our landing point. Again, Janeway, myself and Chakotay ran towards the group. Visible from the small cliff we had ascended, was a group of structures, made of some sort of rock. The structures made up an irregular square shape, with other buildings scattered behind the primary constructions. They all appeared primitive, I could see no door coverings and several had smoke rising from holes in the roofing. However, it was clear that they could not have been constructed by a primitive race, the materials resembled Mal'Shoa, the tough building material made from gravel, sand and water. Remains of it can still be seen in the ruins left on Vulcan from before the Time of Awakening, it is one of the few materials to survive. It is not a primitive material.

As we remained on the hill, looking down, I saw movement. I signalled to the others to take cover and moved to where I could get a better view. Beings were coming out of one of the shelters, a small group. From their gait and appearance, I knew them to be Voth, but guards or prisoners, I could not say. They were certainly advancing on our position, however. Perhaps they had been expecting our appearance? As they approached the cliff, it became obvious that there was not enough cover to disguise our group and that they had seen us. It was to be expected, the Earth lizards to which they were related, had excellent eyesight, superior to humans. Cover that should have been sufficient was not, the Voth could clearly detect movement far more subtle than that visible to Humans. So they approached.

I tensed, preparing myself inwardly for conflict, without letting any preparation show. It would be illogical to provoke them if they were here peacefully, merely other prisoners going about their business. However, unpreparedness is the downfall of many, and I would not fall into that trap.

So they approached.

_Janeway_

I had not noticed Gagen behind us, he had been very quiet since we had all been placed on the transport ship. I suppose he was afraid, he had no experience of my people and even I was not sure I could completely predict their behaviour given the circumstances. However, as the party from the settlement approached, I heard a rustling noise as Gagen stood, revealing our position to them all.

"sit down" I hissed at him, but he was oblivious.

There was nothing to do but stand and greet the Voth party. I was thankful that I could trust Tuvok completely, though he was mentally and physically prepared for a fight, his total control meant that nothing would happen unless it was necessary. Chakotay was on edge, but was calm. His soothing personality had a pacifying effect on all around him. Only Gagen was the loose cannon.

I was reminded of the incident on the Ocampa homeworld, when we had first beamed down, when Neelix had nearly cost the lives of several members of the away team. It was almost history repeating as the Voth group approached, suspicious and anxious. Gagen walked forward and called

"Tiana. What are you doing here?"

For a minute I thought they were going to grab him, but instead a female Voth stepped forward and touched Gagen where, if he were human, his stomach would be. I heard her speak

"I'm sure the question has got to be what are you doing here? And who are these beings? What have you done?"

His head fell, he seemed to be unable to answer

"later then." Continued the female. "For now, come inside. It is cold. Do they have a leader?"

Gagen gestured at myself, and I stepped forward.

"I am Captain Janeway" I was about to say "Of the Federation Starship Voyager" but then I realised that was no longer true. I hesitated for a heartbeat, then continued

"Of the United Federation of Planets"

"I am Tianna, formerly of the Circle of Medicine, now First of the Settlement of Ha'Shin. How many of your people are here, Captain?" Enquired the female, her businesslike manner appealed to me with so many crew cold, wet and in shock. I glanced at Gagen, who nodded, then at Chakotay who did the same.

"We have one hundred and forty people and one child over the other side of this rise" I replied.

Tianna was silent for a moment.

"One hundred and forty? That would account for the new buildings. You arrived with survival packs, I take it? Gather your crew and your equipment, bring them here. The new sleeping areas are ready for them."

We were able to settle everyone into the bunkhouses. The Voth gave them a meal, primitive but filling. Darkness was approaching and I had arranged to meet with Tianna and her council. But the crew came first. I moved between bunkhouses, giving the same speech in all three where my crew were stationed.

"Attention everyone. I know many of you are tired, the effects of the drugs have not worn off yet. Tonight, I and the senior staff will be meeting with those already here, discussing options and learning more. Tomorrow, I will be able to give you more information. Lieutenant Tuvok distributed blankets and survival supplies to you all, please try to get some rest tonight and tomorrow we will begin making plans."

There is an old American expression for it, a cop-out. But I would address them tomorrow, when we had a plan.

And so, the senior staff and myself moved into a smaller hut, where a fire was burning and several Voth gathered round, to learn our fate.

It was an intense night, a night of discovery and compromise. The Voth had been on this planet for around six months, they were all educated people and had built up a society, a society which would clearly struggle to integrate all of the Voyager crew. They had not even been considering any form of escape, they were struggling simply to survive and we would have to integrate with that. Tomorrow we would start farming, building, living with them.

Chakotay and I were up long after we had finished our discussions with the Voth, drawing up duty rosters, of all things. It only seemed a paltry few hours when the dawn light graced the sky heralding the sun, and I knew it was time to address the crew.

In the main square they gathered, all of them, standing together. I was proud again, I felt the pride swell within me. They were united. It was time

"When we embarked on this journey, we knew it would not be easy. We knew that we would encounter obstacles, that we would face dangers. And here we are, a huge obstacle has been placed in our way. But, I said to you on the first day of our journey that it was clear that we had to work together if we were to survive. And this is still true. We must still work together. By combining our efforts with that of our Voth neighbours, we can strive to achieve the incredible, to continue our journey and ultimately succeed. I, no We, will need all of you working as hard as you can, giving your all to whatever task you are assigned. But I know that we have courage, strength and resourcefulness. We shall survive. Voyager shall live on!"

_Harry Kim_

It was a stirring speech, what we had come to expect from the Captain. But it was never going to be as simple as mere words. And as the time grew on, cracks emerged.

First, surprisingly, was Tom Paris. After farming for weeks in a row with no break, beating the harsh, barren soil with bear hands, any growth at all an act of will rather than nature, he cracked.

"This is crazy" He shouted to the farming group one morning. "All we do is farm, we don't grow anything, we don't get anywhere. We've been here seven months and nothing has happened. What's the point if I'm just going to farm for the rest of my life?"

With that, he stormed out of the camp and into the hills, walking determinedly away. We hadn't expected it of him, he was certainly the one with the most experience of prison. Maybe that was the problem? He was used to having defined boundaries, defined limits. Here there wasn't a limit, wasn't a boundary. It was just us and this planet, forever. The Voth had explained that their leaders used prisoners to prepare planets for colonisation. We would bash out something approaching a life here, then, if it became habitable by "civilised" people, we would be moved on and the planet would be sold. The heretics always got the most difficult, most marginal planets, however. We were clearly not intended to succeed or to have contact with the outside universe again.

Many, if not all of us, felt the same feelings that Tom Paris expressed. We were just too loyal or maybe too frightened to express them. What happened if we denied our Starfleet-trained optimism?

_Tom Paris_

I shouldn't have done it. But I was so angry, so frustrated. There was no way out. For all of the Captain's fine words about striving and courage, since that day we had done nothing but farm. And whatever we all thought of Neelix's food on Voyager, what he cooked up for us here was much, much worse. What was the point of a life spent carrying water to the bunkhouses and fields? Ploughing fields with nothing more than a shaped stick? Backbreaking, pointless, exhausting. Only B'Elanna brought any joy to life at all, but I just had to get away.

I didn't know where I was going. I saw Harry's shocked face as I walked away, but I couldn't stay. I've always had a problem with claustrophobia, and in that little village, it was starting to reassert itself with a vengeance. And so I headed out into the wldlands beyond the village. There was a forest, that was where I headed to. I would live for myself for a while.

No, that can't be what I was thinking. I loved B'Elanna too much. But I had to get out and suddenly the forest seemed so beautiful, so enticing. It promised peace and serenity, the chance to be myself, to see the stars, look up and dream.

No one looked up any more, that was what got to me. No one looked up. I had always looked up at the stars as a child, the beautiful names, mysterious names. Orion, Leo, Ursa Major. The stars visible when flying in runabouts with my dad – Epsilon Eridani, Alpha Centauri and Proxima Centauri. Names that rolled around your mouth like poetry. Now, no one looked up. They were ashamed of the stars we had once walked amongst. And I longed to look up and see the stars again, no shame, just freedom. So I left. To my shame, I left. I left everyone who needed my help, I left B'Elanna, I left Harry. I just left. What else could I have done? I didn't know.

The forest was cold and damp, but still good. Refreshing. I was there listening to the birds and animals, catching meat occasionally. I had learnt more Klingon survival skills from B'Elanna than I liked to admit!

But she was still better than me. When she tracked me down, I was amazed. I thought I had covered my tracks, but when I said this she laughed and told me I stood out like a Grishnar cat in a thunderstorm. A bizarre simile, to say the least. Since we had landed, B'Elanna had become a lot more Klingon, clearly her form of survival trait!

"We need to talk" she began as she approached me. I was stunned, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to know who she'd found me, what had happened, everything. So much, in fact, that I couldn't form any words. I didn't' need to. She was on a roll, there was something she had to say and she was going to say it.

"I'm pregnant"

I gaped at her, then, in true male Paris style, I asked

"What do you mean Pregnant?"

"Umm, having a baby pregnant. Inside here" she spoke slowly, and pointed dramatically to her belly "is a little growing baby, and you're the father"

I had stood up to greet her, and I found myself sitting down again pretty quickly. Shaking my head, I got up again as she smiled at me.

"You're going to be a father" She finally said and kissed me on the nose. I gave her the largest, tightest cuddle I could manage. I held her. For just these few seconds, I was happy. Then, of course, reality struck.

"But what about this?" I gestured to the trees "What about here?"

"You'll just have to come back. We can manage. There's food, shelter. Sam and Naomi are doing fine, we will do fine too."

"How long have we got? We're going to need to build a shelter, a bed, make blankets." I was waffling now,

She smiled serenely again, she looked so beautiful and I was so in love with her

"About six months. I've only just found out."

"Then lets get ready"

"Just promise me one thing, Tom. Don't ever do this again! I only found you this time because the pregnancy has heightened my awareness. I'm going to need you now"

"I won't go" I replied "But you have to promise not to go either"

"I promise"

And with that, we set off across the plain towards the camp, hand in hand.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

_Bitch_

_Janeway_

It seemed so cruel. Just as we celebrated the new hope represented by B'Elanna, the Disease began its spread. Maybe even that night, maybe that very day was the day it was born, dragged up from

the ground by one of the farming team.

_B'Elanna_

The disease decimated us and changed us all forever. We had already been changed by the planet, but it was the disease which really ripped us apart.

First came the fevers, few at first, then more and more . The fevers and chills were violent, horrible. Worse were the muscle cramps, mild at first then getting stronger, pulling people into horrible, unnatural shapes, crying with pain. And finally, at the end, the hallucinations. The screams of total fear.

Klingons have a strange relationship with fear. For a supposedly fearless race, we spend much time considering fear, and have many different words for it in our language. I remember reading stories about an ancient Earth tribe who had seventy words for snow. On Qo'nos there are seventy words for fear. It's that one type, the paralysing fear, where the eyes seem to be gazing into the face of evil. Not just gazing into death, but gazing into evil. That was the fear the Disease brought to its victims, then they died.

Without the Doctor, we were helpless. The Captain tried desperately to find a cure, experimenting with many different herbs, leaves, fire. Everything. The disease claimed the Voth first, maybe that was worse. They may have warned us of the danger, but with nothing to be done to save them, they also foretold our doom.

Every time one more died, Tom was there, and every time they died, a little bit of Tom died too. He raged against life, raged against the disease, against the Voth. The others bore the brunt of his rage, but at night, I would hold his head to my swelling belly and he would cry.

We were immune, it seemed. Some of us, anyway. At first the disease seemed to spare the senior officers, we seemed to avoid it. It swept through my old Engineering teams, and I cried for them as they screamed and died, but it spared us. Until Tuvok.

_Janeway_

My friend, my rock, my supporter. My Vulcan. Lying wrapped in blankets, sweating, shivering, knowing what had happened. Later, bearing the pain of the muscle spasms in silence as his body contorted itself into unnatural forms along with his fellow sufferers. As he could no longer maintain physical control, he kept his mental control strong. Until the end. Until the fear consumed him too, and he looked into the face of Satan. I was with him when he screamed first, I held him through the terrors, sometimes for comfort, sometimes for protection. With the last physical control he had, he tried to scratch his own eyes out to stop whatever it was he was seeing. He was robbed of everything, and when he finally died, it was a relief in a way – a release.

But, as his body failed, he looked right into my eyes, right there and whispered one word

"Bitch"

He was right, I betrayed everyone and led them to this death.

By the spring, when B'Elanna was around 8 months gone, and the disease had run its course amongst us, only twenty of us survived.

_Author's Note_

_The following chapter contains discussion of disability which some people may find upsetting. It will include a severely disabled child and discussions on the value of life. If this imagery would upset you, please skip that chapter. All I ask is that you read it with an open mind and consider it in the context of this story. Also, please note that even though I may write it, as I believe it is in context with the story, it is not what I believe at all, and I would ask that you consider this if you wish to respond to it._

_Thank you_


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

_Amara_

_Harry Kim_

A strong, healthy child. That was what we all wanted for B'Elanna and Tom, and that is what they received. A beautiful boy who's screams were enough to wake the whole camp when he was born.

And though life was tough, tougher now that it had ever been before, as the months went on and we followed our same routine, we began to rediscover some sort of joy. Me? I encountered Ensign Tallerae at the river one morning, after a long time where I had no courage to say anything to her about how she made me feel. And whether it was because the day was warm and the crops were growing, I don't know, but I found myself carrying her across the river. And then she kissed me, and then, well. And then it was beautiful.

We were warned about creating a tribe, the Captain was very insistent that we should be careful about settling on the planet, forgetting who we were and where we came from. Becoming acclimatised, I suppose. But with no way of signalling passing vessels and with no way of leaving, I guess it was only natural that we would settle. And everyone, even the Captain needed someone to hold them when the nightmare faces of those with the Disease haunted our dreams.

Yes, it was not what I had wanted from life. But sometimes you have to make the best of it. And we did. Except for Sam, maybe. The years dealt her blow after blow, and as we all seemed to pair off and begin having children, we all prayed that we would not become like Sam. Selfish, of course..Something I didn't think I was until we were put here. But even so, as much as we helped her, we were family, we were all so relieved it had not happened to us, to our children.

_Sam Wildman_

She screamed. That wordless noise. She was five now, and had what? Stopped breathing twenty times in five years? At least. Every time Tom fought to bring her back, every time he did, every time she came back a little less. A little more damaged, a little less of herself.

And now she lies there, on that beanbag. It was so kind of Chakotay to make it for her, when he came to see us one day and saw her lying on a blanket on the floor. He had no idea she could no longer sit up by herself, or hold herself up until he saw her. He spoke to her in his kind, soft voice, being happy, telling her nice things. But I could hear the sadness in his voice, I could hear his emotion. And I've felt it myself, so much. My darling, perfect child, now just a shell. No body and no mind, destroyed by the lack of oxygen.

At first it was allright, she lost a little bit, then more. But it was still alright, as long as she could communicate. But Tom didn't know, or maybe he didn't tell me that, as she got more and more damaged, she would be more and more prone to attacks. The last time, the Captain held me so I would not interfere, I wanted so badly for him to stop, to let her go. But he brought her back, and all she does is scream and cry. She is trapped in her prison of a body. My beautiful Naomi, lying on a bag by the fire, waiting to die. And they all help me care for her, they all come in with food and care. But it's not them in the middle of the night who answers her screams. Who sits forcing porridge and mush into her mouth to keep her alive, knowing that if she fails to swallow, it may kill her. It's time for her to go, but I can't murder her.

She screams again. I don't know what she wants, she doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be free. She wants to move her head, she wants to tell me something, and she can't. And sometimes I look in her eyes and I see the same fear that those with the Disease had. I run outside to be sick, it was so, so bad to see that. I take her outside to see the birds, in the hope it makes her less frightened. I'm her mother, I want to fix her, I want to make it all OK. And I can't. Yes, if we were on Voyager, if we were there with the Doctor and Sickbay, she would be fine. She would be perfect again. But we are not, and we never will be again. And so my little girl carries on being trapped in her body.

God, I love her. She's all I ever wanted, she's all I ever hoped for. I was so afraid when I first found out I was pregnant, then it was wonderful. It wasn't supposed to end like this. She was perfect, she was supposed to stay perfect. When she was ill, there was supposed to always be someone there to save her. Even when we were abandoned by the Kazon, someone was there to save her. She was a child of the stars, she was the hope of Voyager. And now. Voyager blown to pieces, her crew dead in the most horrible way and the Hope? The hope lying crippled on a beanbag in front of a fire, like a toy, thrown aside by a spoiled child.

You know, though Earth stopped being religious way back in the 22nd Century, we still read the old books. And Naomi was from one book. Naomi, meaning pleasant. But there was a whole chapter in this book about Naomi. A bitter, angry chapter, but a chapter about loyalty too. But why, why did I forget the one verse which stood out at me every time I read it as part of my Academy studies?

""Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?"

And Naomi is afflicted. And I am bitter, like Mara. Bitter that everything I was promised has been taken away on the whim of a scientist. The whim of a lizard, a dinosaur. If she would come here, the First Minister or whoever she is, I would bring her in here to meet my daughter. I would make her clean Naomi now she can't control herself any more, make her feed Naomi. Make her live my life, the life she punished me with. She never met me, but she has thrown this life onto me without a second thought. My friends are dead, my child is dying and I am lost.

_Chakotay_

I would hear Sam weep sometimes, and know that there was nothing I could do. I sometimes take Naomi away, just for a while, just to give Sam a rest. We go and look at the birds, at the wild animals. We used to, now I look and she stares blankly into space. Tom thinks she may no longer be able to see, but sometimes I think she sees more than all of us. But her little body is broken, and it can only be a matter of time.

Life seems so cruel sometimes. That Damien, B'Elanna and Tom's child has done so well, but Harry and Aisha lost their child at birth. That some of us survived the Disease which took Tuvok so cruelly. I can't allow myself to feel guilt about this, but every day I wonder whether this was my doing. That the decisions I made when I was with Gagen led to this. My pride, my enlightenment mind was our collective downfall. I fight those feelings every day, I cannot afford to be consumed by them, if I did, I could no longer live, and I am needed here, in some way. Gagen could not resist, and I am sure that his guilt made his experiences as he died so much worse than the horrors seen by others.

It is ending now, that much is certain. The dream that was Voyager is coming to an end. There are nineteen of us now after five years, and three children. I do not know how it will end for us here, I hope it is gentle, for the sake of the children, for the sake of the Captain. Nothing here is gentle, not the rain, not the wind, not the cold, not the illnesses. Nothing. Surely this planet owes us a gentle death, a peaceful resolution? I ask Spirit for guidance, but Spirit is silent. And with Spirit silent, with nothing to guide us, surely we must fall.


End file.
